Over the course of the past few years, I have altered the lyrics to classic songs to give my take on them. Here are two, one mocking Anthony Weiner to the tune of Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville, the second mocking President Trump to the tune of Candle in the Wind, written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin. My apologies to all three songwriters, but sometimes, you just have to do it…

Weinerville
(To the tune of Margaritaville, written by Jimmy Buffett)

Watchin’ my junk shake
Man it would be great
If all of these girls lathered me with some oil
Scratching an odd itch
Hoping for sex, not to get rich
You know Carlos Danger’s beginning to boil

Chorus:
Snapping away again in Tony Weinerville
Besmirching my past ‘cause I had it all
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
But I know…it’s Carlos’ fault

Social Media’s the reason
The whole world is teasin’
Nothin to show you ‘less you’re on Twitter too
Some say it’s my duty
My wife is a cutie
How we got here I haven’t a clue

Chorus:
Snapping away again at Tony’s Weinerville
Lurching for some ass ’cause I want it all
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
Now I think
Hell, it’s Bill Clinton’s fault

Now she’s in a tank top
And this thing it just won’t stop
So I’m a heel, and I can’t go back home
But by fate I’m a vendor
Of this nasty splendor
And saying concoction it just turns me on

Sinking away again in Carlos Dangerville
Besmirching my dreams ‘cause I want to fall
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
But I know it’s sure ain’t my fault
Yes and some people claim that it’s Carlos to blame
But we know
It’s Tony’s own fault.

Scandal in the Wind
(To the tune of Candle in the Wind, written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin)

Goodbye Donald John
Though I never knew you at all
You had the bone spurs to defer yourself
While the poor kids went off to war

You crawled out of the Rhineland
And they whispered into your brain
They sent you off to private school
After your family changed its name
And it seems to me you live your life
Like a scandal in the wind
Forever knowing where to fling poo
When your rage sets in

And I would never like to know you
Cuz you’ll always be a shit
I don’t want to read your Tweets no more
You’re wretched and a pig
Bankruptcy was tough
The toughest hole you ever made
Adulthood made you a millionaire
And still your bills weren’t paid

Every time you lied
Oh the real media hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that Hillary got more votes than you
And it seems to me you loved your wives
Like a mutt with no chagrin
Forever owing everything to Your main man, Vlad Putin

And I hope we soon forget you
And your name we should forbid
Then your scandals will cease to burn no more
Once Mueller starts to dig
Goodbye Donald John
Just know we’ll really enjoy your fall
You had the chance to hold yourself
But your hands were much too small

Goodbye Donald John
From a young porn star on the the twenty-second floor
Who sees you as something less than sexual
Just a payday she can score
And it seems to me you live your life
Like a scandal in the wind
Always knowing where to fling poo
When the truth sets in

And I would never like to know you
But I hope you cook, you pig
Your scandals need to burn no more
C’mon, Mueller, end this gig…

Those are my ditties. What are yours? If you want to record the lyrics, go for it. Just provide me with standard royalty rates on satire songs. You know, whatever Al Yankovic gets paid for his remakes…

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